Sometimes God's will is crystal clear.  It was so in the summer of 1980 when Pat and I became convinced that God was directing us to leave the pastorate and strike out by faith.  But we didn't have clear direction as to what we were to do after that.  We did our best to be obedient to what we were sure of, then waited for the Lord to tell us more.

 During the first month of the change, as I was talking with a dear friend, a dream began to tale shape in my mind.  We began to talk about retreats where I could share some of the things God had taught me in recent times.  That became a reality, and I so thoroughly enjoyed sharing in the retreat context, that I began to dream of a small retreat facility of my own.

I spent a lot of time searching for the right piece of property to carry out the dream I had.  Along the way, God taught me a great deal, including that fact that money and ministry don't mix.  He led me to focus on one or two people, rather than a large group.  So the plans changed to a smaller facility, but the dream lived on.

God gave us a piece of property where we could live and where I could minister one on one.  He gave us a mobile home and a travel trailer to house those who came for ministry.  And He gave Pat a job teaching school, which made it possible for us to live.  And I began the work of getting the facilities ready for guests.

I thought God would begin sending people within a few months.  But that didn't happen.  I kept working on the facilities until they were fully operational, but the ministry did not develop.  I had no freedom to "advertise," but I felt God would send those He wanted to come.  I waited and worked, but the ministry didn't develop.

Other ministry did develop.  God has given me the opportunity to serve as interim pastor thirteen times in the last ten years.  He has given me retreats, Bible Conferences, Winter Bible Studies, and more.  But the one-on-one retreat ministry has never developed.

That puzzled and perplexed me quite a bit.  I thought God had given direction.  I had been obedient to each thing God had told me to do.  But no ministry.  What was wrong?

I found the answer Monday morning, February 10, when God showed me the difference between my wants and His will.  I saw clearly for the first time that what I thought was God's will was actually something I wanted so much that I had convinced myself it was God's will.  It is a grand dream about a needed ministry, and God may choose to make it a reality some day.  But it was my dream, not His direction, that I had been working toward for almost seventeen years.  That was quite a blow to my ego, but I had to face and acknowledge the truth of what I felt God was saying to me.

So I gave up the dream.  My dream.  If God should give direction later, I will embrace it.  But I will wait for His clear leadership. Until then I will continue to be as obedient as I can one day at a time.  God may change the shape of my ministry, or He may continue to lead me in the same paths.  It doesn't matter.  I am still available for whatever He wills.